Today

Today is October 12th 2009.

7 Years since I married the man of my dreams.

7 Years since we made a full time family for my boy, and at the time our 5 week old baby girl.

7 Years.

In that time we...

well we had just purchased our house 6 months before, upgraded our car- from a 1980 Cavalier to a 2001 Cavalier- just 3 months before, and had a baby 5 weeks before...

So since then we have...

• upgraded to a van


• had another baby


• changed Matthews schools


• Sold a house


• moved in with my parents (re think this next time)


• bought a house


• moved clear across the city from everything we know


• tinkered in renovating our fantastic house


• got Stephanie into school


• upgraded our van to one that runs


• worked at the school


• girls started daycare


• got Sarah into school


• And now it is my turn to go to school

So that's just the monumental material/family stuff. That's not the gory details. We have loved and laughed really hard. Shared in the great moments. Watched each other learn to love a little girl, then very quickly, another one. We have watched our children through the trials of their lives. Learned to cope with then have fun with the challenges that Sarah has gone through and still lives with. We have floundered in change. We have had heated moments of "what the hell are we doing?" And we have stumbled through them. We have stumble, and fallen, and used our love and faith in one another to get back up. We have made it to this point. And I am confident that we will make it beyond.

But it all takes work. From both of us. The beginning was all compromise. I had to learn to go out and have fun. He had to learn to stay home and have fun. I needed to lighten up. He had to meet me somewhere in the middle on that one. But we do it. That's our jobs.

So Happy 7th wedding anniversary to us!

Swimming Lessons

So, we have had swimming lessons for almost 3 years and we L~O~V~E them. It gets us out of the house and sadly, it gets us clean. (I have girls with bad eczema and a boy with a phobia of hygiene, so the shower after is perfect) And we used to swim on weeknights but with me starting school on Tuesday, evenings are no longer an option.
Today was the first 9 am swim lesson. And how excited was I when we walked out of the women's change room to find our favourite lifeguard on duty, and 4 of our favourite teachers teaching the classes! Darryl knew exactly how I felt when I walked out and my apprehension visible disappeared.
See, this is Sarah's first lesson not in the little pool. It is her first lesson not with preschoolers. It is her first lesson in the "big kid" classes. And it is my first lesson in truly letting go of the already severs "cord" that I have been pulling back on since they girls started daycare.
And It went...swimmingly. The other girls in her class are also in kindergarten, none listen really well, and they are all pretty new to this class. She even tried to jump into the pool-which is crazy new. She knows one little girl in her class and has had no problem making friends with the other. It is fantastic. But it is at nine in the morning. ngaaaaa. That is a might bit early for me. On Saturday.
Darryl is passing it off as "a great opportunity to get onto the treadmill, or use some of the machines, because the place is practically dead." Good thing I love him or I would probably have poked his eye out.

Tonnes

Where to start.

There is tonnes of stuff I could blog about today, little is positive. I am officially done with the broad who can't handle the truth. I said my bit outside of school this morning about the whole slander email she sent to a whack of my friends, and some who are not. I made my peace with the situation, and now I am done. And I feel fantastic. There is nothing left on the table. It is clear.

So... I guess maybe I have nothing left to talk about.

Except that I was at a wedding in Strathclair this weekend. It was fantastic. Heather was beautiful, as always. And Randy makes her and her kids sooooooo happy. Her boy had a tough time making it through the ceremony without exploding out of his skin with pride and happiness. When I asked him what he thought about mom and Randy getting married he said "it is the bestest thing ever in my whole life. Did you see me?" Ha! he is sooo funny, and obviously six.
But in true Kathi fashion, I got a very bad headache about 9:30 that I could not take meds for, because the wine was so good, so we had to leave and an unbelievably geriatric time. But I have talked to the new "wife" and she is very happy.

I am getting ready for school...scary. I am like that incessant ping pong ball- bouncing endlessly between excited and scared to death. Most of the people in my class are probably just out of diapers, and here I am the old one in my "field". But I am so happy to be doing it. I am taking the Educational Assistant diploma program through U of W, and I am so looking forward to it. Having Sarah, and being int he various classrooms, it frustrates me when people do this particular job and see it as only that. A job. Something that takes little to no education or experience, and it pays the bills. I think you should have to pass some sort of test to be able to work with children. Whether you are becoming a teacher or and EA or are working in the daycare industry. There has to be some criteria you possess that allows you to be able to get in to the program~ like passion, or patience. There has to be something more than "it's easy".

I am doing it because of Sarah, and for all others after me who are so petrified to leave their ill equipped child int he hands of an adult who is now responsible for 20 plus kids. And then there is the expectation that the child be able to learn as well. And really, the fact that it might pay the bills and I have evenings, weekends and summer off is just gravy. I may not be the best person for the job at this point, but I strive to be, and that's what matters. By March, I will be the best that I can be, and for that I am proud.

So that's my day. Now I go to my daily bubble bath, and finish New Moon. Then I decide whether I can read Eclipse in 5 days.

Judgement

Today seems to be the day of dealing with judgement.

As I checked my email early this morning, I was surprised to find a faceb00k message from someone I deleted about 12 weeks ago. I was not surprised that she had not noticed as her M.O. is to gather as many friends as possible, and as much information as possible. Then she does mean spirited things with the information, but I no longer have to worry about that. So, she asked me why I had deleted her and if it was something she had said or done. My response...

"Sort of and not really. It started with the "retard" joke picture you had posted in one of your albums, and continued with you judging my opinion and everyday life. And while frustrating at the time, it just emphasized to me that there are still people who I allow in my life who choose not to see the big picture, people who have no interest in understanding what it takes to live my life. So as I pared down my friends list into a group of people who are loyal, honest, trustworthy and non judgemental, people who did not fit those criteria were deleted. There was no offense intended. I just don't prefer to keep "friends" like that."...

But I did not hit reply right away. I read it over and over. Then I got a cup of tea and read it again. I was very hurt at the time of these incidents, but am not anymore. Her doings have very little bearing on my life. I no longer work with her, our children are no longer in the same class, I don't go to the school often so I don't even see her. So I did not want to come off sounding hurt or spiteful. But I did want to be truthful. And I think I accomplished that. So I sent it.

THEN I took my girls to daycare. And there is this sour puss looking woman, whom I have felt sorry for since January. She always looks so unhappy, and she struggles to even give her children a hug. Her story makes me very sad for her and her kids. But she stares at me every time we are in the same room. And the past 3 times that we have been in the same vicinity, she rolls her eyes at me. We have never even spoken. Ever.
So of course I stewed about it all the way home (all 45 seconds of walking) and came up with the defensive "You are no better than me with your size 2 body and inch thick make-up, and your outfit that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe." And then I started thinking about it. Is that not me being judgemental too? Sure, she cares about what she looks like- I took the girls to daycare in my jammies yesterday. And she cares how people see her- I care that my kids show others how I have parented them and taught them right from wrong. And she cares about how she carries herself- I care that I got up on time and made it to daycare with all the girls stuff.
There are very few things that come easy to me. I am unmedicated for my ADD and anxiety. I have to work everyday to make sure all of our basic needs are met. And that does not make me a bad person. I work damn hard (by choice not out of necessity) to be sure that my kids feel I love them, even when I am sure they know that. I work hard to make sure that my kids have a great base to make choices from. And when they make a wrong one, I can be sure they know how to put the pieces back together.
All any of this means is that what I see in this other mom is not what I know about me. I know I work hard for my kids who have been my priority for the past 13 years. I know that I go to bed at night knowing I did my best for them for the day in a way that I can live with. And that does not mean that she does not. It means that I know nothing about her outside of the few minutes that I have seen her today. And maybe she struggles with everything that I do, she just doesn't show it.
I dunno.

I know that I have been trying to find a new way. I don't like being "not nice". I need to find out how to take it down a notch (or two). I yearn for unexciting, and calm. I ache for no outrage, and indifference. I just have no way of getting there. But I need to be shown how to do this. And unfortunately, everyone I know has things to do, so while my boat seems to be listing endlessly, so is theirs.

So lets make a list of things that need to be done...

1. Clean my living room
2. Find my dining room
3. put the girls toys into their playroom
4. clear out my bathroom, again
5. Patch, sand, wash and paint said bathroom
6. Clean out my van
7. Clear out the storage room
8. Repack the storage room
9. Fit camping gear into storage room
10. Clean pool (should be #1)
11. pack up summer stuff from the yard
12. clear out gardens
13. put perennials into the flower bed so they will survive the winter
14. Clear out summer shoes from the entry way
15. put summer clothing away
16. Get winter clothing out of storage
17. Wash winter clothing
18. Get my criminal and sex offender registry checks before I start school

And the list goes on and on and on. And most of it is stuff that needs to be done sooner rather than later.

I guess I better get to work!