Today

Today is October 12th 2009.

7 Years since I married the man of my dreams.

7 Years since we made a full time family for my boy, and at the time our 5 week old baby girl.

7 Years.

In that time we...

well we had just purchased our house 6 months before, upgraded our car- from a 1980 Cavalier to a 2001 Cavalier- just 3 months before, and had a baby 5 weeks before...

So since then we have...

• upgraded to a van


• had another baby


• changed Matthews schools


• Sold a house


• moved in with my parents (re think this next time)


• bought a house


• moved clear across the city from everything we know


• tinkered in renovating our fantastic house


• got Stephanie into school


• upgraded our van to one that runs


• worked at the school


• girls started daycare


• got Sarah into school


• And now it is my turn to go to school

So that's just the monumental material/family stuff. That's not the gory details. We have loved and laughed really hard. Shared in the great moments. Watched each other learn to love a little girl, then very quickly, another one. We have watched our children through the trials of their lives. Learned to cope with then have fun with the challenges that Sarah has gone through and still lives with. We have floundered in change. We have had heated moments of "what the hell are we doing?" And we have stumbled through them. We have stumble, and fallen, and used our love and faith in one another to get back up. We have made it to this point. And I am confident that we will make it beyond.

But it all takes work. From both of us. The beginning was all compromise. I had to learn to go out and have fun. He had to learn to stay home and have fun. I needed to lighten up. He had to meet me somewhere in the middle on that one. But we do it. That's our jobs.

So Happy 7th wedding anniversary to us!

Swimming Lessons

So, we have had swimming lessons for almost 3 years and we L~O~V~E them. It gets us out of the house and sadly, it gets us clean. (I have girls with bad eczema and a boy with a phobia of hygiene, so the shower after is perfect) And we used to swim on weeknights but with me starting school on Tuesday, evenings are no longer an option.
Today was the first 9 am swim lesson. And how excited was I when we walked out of the women's change room to find our favourite lifeguard on duty, and 4 of our favourite teachers teaching the classes! Darryl knew exactly how I felt when I walked out and my apprehension visible disappeared.
See, this is Sarah's first lesson not in the little pool. It is her first lesson not with preschoolers. It is her first lesson in the "big kid" classes. And it is my first lesson in truly letting go of the already severs "cord" that I have been pulling back on since they girls started daycare.
And It went...swimmingly. The other girls in her class are also in kindergarten, none listen really well, and they are all pretty new to this class. She even tried to jump into the pool-which is crazy new. She knows one little girl in her class and has had no problem making friends with the other. It is fantastic. But it is at nine in the morning. ngaaaaa. That is a might bit early for me. On Saturday.
Darryl is passing it off as "a great opportunity to get onto the treadmill, or use some of the machines, because the place is practically dead." Good thing I love him or I would probably have poked his eye out.

Tonnes

Where to start.

There is tonnes of stuff I could blog about today, little is positive. I am officially done with the broad who can't handle the truth. I said my bit outside of school this morning about the whole slander email she sent to a whack of my friends, and some who are not. I made my peace with the situation, and now I am done. And I feel fantastic. There is nothing left on the table. It is clear.

So... I guess maybe I have nothing left to talk about.

Except that I was at a wedding in Strathclair this weekend. It was fantastic. Heather was beautiful, as always. And Randy makes her and her kids sooooooo happy. Her boy had a tough time making it through the ceremony without exploding out of his skin with pride and happiness. When I asked him what he thought about mom and Randy getting married he said "it is the bestest thing ever in my whole life. Did you see me?" Ha! he is sooo funny, and obviously six.
But in true Kathi fashion, I got a very bad headache about 9:30 that I could not take meds for, because the wine was so good, so we had to leave and an unbelievably geriatric time. But I have talked to the new "wife" and she is very happy.

I am getting ready for school...scary. I am like that incessant ping pong ball- bouncing endlessly between excited and scared to death. Most of the people in my class are probably just out of diapers, and here I am the old one in my "field". But I am so happy to be doing it. I am taking the Educational Assistant diploma program through U of W, and I am so looking forward to it. Having Sarah, and being int he various classrooms, it frustrates me when people do this particular job and see it as only that. A job. Something that takes little to no education or experience, and it pays the bills. I think you should have to pass some sort of test to be able to work with children. Whether you are becoming a teacher or and EA or are working in the daycare industry. There has to be some criteria you possess that allows you to be able to get in to the program~ like passion, or patience. There has to be something more than "it's easy".

I am doing it because of Sarah, and for all others after me who are so petrified to leave their ill equipped child int he hands of an adult who is now responsible for 20 plus kids. And then there is the expectation that the child be able to learn as well. And really, the fact that it might pay the bills and I have evenings, weekends and summer off is just gravy. I may not be the best person for the job at this point, but I strive to be, and that's what matters. By March, I will be the best that I can be, and for that I am proud.

So that's my day. Now I go to my daily bubble bath, and finish New Moon. Then I decide whether I can read Eclipse in 5 days.

Judgement

Today seems to be the day of dealing with judgement.

As I checked my email early this morning, I was surprised to find a faceb00k message from someone I deleted about 12 weeks ago. I was not surprised that she had not noticed as her M.O. is to gather as many friends as possible, and as much information as possible. Then she does mean spirited things with the information, but I no longer have to worry about that. So, she asked me why I had deleted her and if it was something she had said or done. My response...

"Sort of and not really. It started with the "retard" joke picture you had posted in one of your albums, and continued with you judging my opinion and everyday life. And while frustrating at the time, it just emphasized to me that there are still people who I allow in my life who choose not to see the big picture, people who have no interest in understanding what it takes to live my life. So as I pared down my friends list into a group of people who are loyal, honest, trustworthy and non judgemental, people who did not fit those criteria were deleted. There was no offense intended. I just don't prefer to keep "friends" like that."...

But I did not hit reply right away. I read it over and over. Then I got a cup of tea and read it again. I was very hurt at the time of these incidents, but am not anymore. Her doings have very little bearing on my life. I no longer work with her, our children are no longer in the same class, I don't go to the school often so I don't even see her. So I did not want to come off sounding hurt or spiteful. But I did want to be truthful. And I think I accomplished that. So I sent it.

THEN I took my girls to daycare. And there is this sour puss looking woman, whom I have felt sorry for since January. She always looks so unhappy, and she struggles to even give her children a hug. Her story makes me very sad for her and her kids. But she stares at me every time we are in the same room. And the past 3 times that we have been in the same vicinity, she rolls her eyes at me. We have never even spoken. Ever.
So of course I stewed about it all the way home (all 45 seconds of walking) and came up with the defensive "You are no better than me with your size 2 body and inch thick make-up, and your outfit that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe." And then I started thinking about it. Is that not me being judgemental too? Sure, she cares about what she looks like- I took the girls to daycare in my jammies yesterday. And she cares how people see her- I care that my kids show others how I have parented them and taught them right from wrong. And she cares about how she carries herself- I care that I got up on time and made it to daycare with all the girls stuff.
There are very few things that come easy to me. I am unmedicated for my ADD and anxiety. I have to work everyday to make sure all of our basic needs are met. And that does not make me a bad person. I work damn hard (by choice not out of necessity) to be sure that my kids feel I love them, even when I am sure they know that. I work hard to make sure that my kids have a great base to make choices from. And when they make a wrong one, I can be sure they know how to put the pieces back together.
All any of this means is that what I see in this other mom is not what I know about me. I know I work hard for my kids who have been my priority for the past 13 years. I know that I go to bed at night knowing I did my best for them for the day in a way that I can live with. And that does not mean that she does not. It means that I know nothing about her outside of the few minutes that I have seen her today. And maybe she struggles with everything that I do, she just doesn't show it.
I dunno.

I know that I have been trying to find a new way. I don't like being "not nice". I need to find out how to take it down a notch (or two). I yearn for unexciting, and calm. I ache for no outrage, and indifference. I just have no way of getting there. But I need to be shown how to do this. And unfortunately, everyone I know has things to do, so while my boat seems to be listing endlessly, so is theirs.

So lets make a list of things that need to be done...

1. Clean my living room
2. Find my dining room
3. put the girls toys into their playroom
4. clear out my bathroom, again
5. Patch, sand, wash and paint said bathroom
6. Clean out my van
7. Clear out the storage room
8. Repack the storage room
9. Fit camping gear into storage room
10. Clean pool (should be #1)
11. pack up summer stuff from the yard
12. clear out gardens
13. put perennials into the flower bed so they will survive the winter
14. Clear out summer shoes from the entry way
15. put summer clothing away
16. Get winter clothing out of storage
17. Wash winter clothing
18. Get my criminal and sex offender registry checks before I start school

And the list goes on and on and on. And most of it is stuff that needs to be done sooner rather than later.

I guess I better get to work!

Well. I Faceb00ked that I have a blog. Uh Oh.
Does that mean that now I have to share it with people? Nah. Only who I want to.
I also went back and re-read my previous posts. I say some things that come off as TOTALLY politically incorrect. And I feel bad for the crassness of them. But at the moment I am writing them, they are the only words available to say what I want to say. So I apologize for being crass, but not for being me.

This weekend...Well. I am waiting for school to start tomorrow. I have to bored little Divas that desperately need to be where they have plenty to do and they aren't near each other. All they do is bicker. It makes me crazy.
~~~~~

I am excited about tomorrow being Monday. Girls at dc for 8 am. Hopefully it will be a much better week for Sarah. And no tears for either of us.
Friday she woke up at 5:30 am (in my bed) and was telling me she was afraid of getting her picture taken at school, so she wasn't going to go. I told her she didn't have to get her picture taken, I have friends with camera's who can do it not at school.
I also talked with our CSS case manager Sue (I LOVE Sue) who is going to bat for me when it comes to finally having the meeting I have asked the school for three times. And when I told Sue that I still had no answer she wondered why. I politely explained that our principal is very....political would be the wrong word.....politician like? Yeah, that's it. I go to her office to get answers with my advocate hat on, and I ask all my questions, make all my requests, and I walk out with that warm fuzzy feeling...and NO answers. And I never really realize it till I am halfway home. So Sue is trying to put together our principal, our teacher, our resource teacher, our dc director, me and her. To set something up for Sarah to transition for dc to kindergarten. I need something that will work because I only have 23 days until my school starts. (I am halfway excited!)

Ahhh on to my exciting day of laundry and food prep for the week.

I am struggling today.

My kids all started school last week. And my little girls started day care. I have yet to start school, that comes in October.

Bit it has gone from Sarah loves daycare (dc) and school, to she will do neither.

It started with some crying on Monday in the classroom. Then Tuesday a bit more. Wednesday was a huge blowout meltdown for about an hour and a half after I left. And today it started at breakfast with a refusal to eat then not getting dressed. One would assume that the running to dc meant that she was settled and ready to go...but I was way off-again.

Maybe that' s why it bothers me so much. Because we had 4 days of bliss. Then 4 days of hell on wheels. And I didn't see any of it coming.

So now I sit and over react. She is such a precious little girls. I wonder, are her "issues" not seen by many because I have worked too hard for the past 5 years, teaching her how to interact? I have always required Sarah to greet people, use manners, look at people when they speak to you, and all those things. It is so natural for me to direct her in everyday things. But now I am not there. Does that mean that all I have taught her gets forgotten? Does anyone else require her to do these things? On top of learning academic things? What if she really does not know these things- these basics in social well being? What if she only does them because I have prompted her to for the past 5 years?

What does a parent of a special needs child do to solve the anxiety? The clinging. Crying. Shaking. Fear in her eyes. I feel like I am punishing her for being afraid by just handing her off to dc staff. Why have I dealt with everything for her the past 5 years and now I pass her off. Am I wrong in being really uncomfortable with that? Am I wrong for wanting to do this differently? Am I allowed to say "enough...deal with the problem she has and ease into this!"?

I feel as though the proverbial "ball" is about to fall from my hands. And i have one last chance before I drop it.

Dear Lord, please guide me. Please help me in not making any rash decisions. Please help me in making the right ones, for Sarah and for our family.

~

~

We framed this picture for her to keep in her backpack.

Surgery Day

Ohhh what a day we have had today and it is only 1pm. Sarah had a pretty severe tongue tie and today it was snipped. So I was up about 5 am (blaaaaaah), no coffee- don't want to torment the starving dehydrated child in the back seat. It is such a short procedure that i hardly had time to grab a coffee. And when I did return with it, I had taken only 2 sips when the Doctor came in to tell me that he was all done and going into the office to see the rest of his patients for the day.
I am pleased to say that Sarah made a huge liar out of me. Yeah!! With her anxiety disorder I feared that we would not be able to get her through those huge double doors without me, and that when she woke up, she'd freak. But she loved her VERY pregnant nurse Rachelle who took her away, and her "sleeping lady" Lauren. She let Sarah choose what flavour of mask she wanted. Of course Sarah chose strawberry. But she was quite uneasy when she woke up. They called me right away because there was only 2 of them expecting 3 kids back about the same time. Sarah had a mouth full of Tylenol when I walked in and when the nurse told me, I was a little alarmed because Sarah does not swallow Tylenol. She holds it in her mouth then gags on the little bit that floats down her throat. So we convinced her to swallow with the promise of a Popsicle. And it worked.Again giving the nurse a heart attack because of course she gagged and heaved it down. But in recovery, she was great. While hunting in our bag for snacks, she found her stickers and sticker book, and her A B C white board, and ate a blue raspberry Popsicle, and the time flew by. She did try a green Popsicle, but gagged that. Not her favourite flavour- now we know. So we were released by 10:15 and on our way to get a new Webkinz. She chose a beautiful Pinto horse and named her Rebecca.

The hospital is totally different than 4 years ago when Matt had his surgery done (twice) on his face. I relived that day all morning. He was such a little trooper. Poor 7 year old scared to death little man. The second time was waaaaay worse than the first because he knew what was going to happen. It is being questioned right now whether or not he has an anxiety disorder as well. I have one, Sarah has one so why shouldn't Matthew.

So here I sit with a now crying Sarah behind me (mom said she could not have cottage cheese right now) and I am thinking about everything else that is going on in our lives.
Stephie. Matt. Summer. Kindergarten. Funding for kindergarten. Spring Fling acts that I need to find and book. Mostly I am thinking about the Disability tax credit that I applied for in September and found out yesterday that they approved and are going to pay retroactive to 2004. While unbelievably exciting. It is making me nervous. I suck at money. I rock at spending it-but suck at doing the right thing with it. I love my Darryl endlessly, but the man has no backbone when it comes to our money. If I spend it there is no "Take it back and put the money back in the bank." He might shake his head, but he really says nothing. I don't know. I love him so much, I don't care.
Oh man!! psycho dog! Charlie- our 8 month old 10 lb cock-a-poo was neutered on Tuesday, and will not stay down so he can heal. He is this wiry little high strung beast that just needs to be on the go. But we have been told that he MUST, MUST, MUST relax and heal. But 3 days out and he is back at impaling the cat when she comes in the living room, doing the psycho run around the living room when someone besides me lets him in from outside, and trying to jump the baby gate to eat the scarf people who live in our entry way. Silly beast.

Lol. Sarah had speech therapy on Tuesday. She was trying to build a puzzle on our table (which is covered in craft stuff, and just general crap. She was leaning further across the puzzle than she can reach to put a piece in. When she couldn't get it in, she mumbled under her breath "get in there you...silly billy!" I was really afraid of what she was going to say after the pregnant pause in the middle. She mad a good choice.
Speech is going o.k. I am sick of hearing how cute Sarah is and that is her therapists favourite thing to say. I have asked her to stop, but she won't. Oh well, bigger fish to fry. a lot makes me giggle these days. The school division called me to let me know that they received our application for funding for kindergarten. She said that they were looking forward to spending time getting to know Sarah at pre-school. I laughed-of course offending Mrs. Kathleen.Why did I laugh?... Because how well can you possibly get to know a closet developmentally delayed cute girl in just 10 minutes- the average amount of time spent at whatever facility they go to? then to close the phone call Mrs. Kathleen said she was excited about our upcoming meeting at the division office. It's going to be so fun and a great opportunity to focus on Sarah's strengths. I didn't quite "Ha!!" again, but I giggled and said"Yea. Well I'll see you there." It is not advised for us as her family to go in there boasting about her strengths. The child is 4 1/2 and not toilet trained. She cannot retain the letters of the alphabet or any number besides 4. She only knows the colour yellow and only 60 % of the time. Sure she has a decent yet still delayed vocabulary, he mother talks ALL THE TIME!! This meeting is not about her strengths at all. It is to focus on the areas that she is going to require funding for. Her meltdowns when there is a deviation from what she thinks is the routine, the fact that she is there to learn and has trouble comprehending more than one simple step. We already know they are going to be asking us to hold her back to do kindergarten a second time. If she is showing retention and progress throughout her first kindergarten year, I'll consider it. If not, she'll be moving on with her class.

I know some people think I am a little nutty. But as a parent, I do struggle with having a special needs child. I am past the why her? stuff and accepting of her delays and lack of a reasonable diagnosis. But I still feel that I am the best to teach her as she learns best in a one on one setting. But man am I burnt out. I feel that i have very little left to offer her without going crazy. As far as I know there are no specialty schools other than an institution and then the kids are severely disabled. Not many people out there see Sarah's disability until they really know her and the relationship is old and there are no more things to learn about Sarah. Then they see that she's just not all there. She is still the nicest kid there is and she is damn cute. But she is not smart academically. Lets face it, she's 4, she is not street smart either. She is Sarah. that's all.
So my answer for the stupid meeting with the school division is simple; "Sarah's strength is that she is unbelievably cute and quite capable of falling through the cracks because of this. She is great at copying the child next to her whether it is the desired or undesired behaviour. The expectation is that she learn to the best of her abilities and seeing as I am not there to ensure that happens, she will need someone that is." Oh well. As long as we are prepared.

Well, off to watch High School Musical 3 for the 7th time since Tuesday. Priorities ya know. On surgery day, you can do whatever you want in my house!!

Starting Out

Well...I am not a writer by nature as I don't type well. I have lots of typos that I don't usually go back and correct. The reason...???No, well, yes I am lazy, but more- because I have 3 kids, a dog, 2 cats a half alive Betta fish, and soon a hamster. As well as a part time job and a husband. All in all, I have NOOOOOO time.

My kids...Matt is almost 12, and while he is not obnoxious, he is very temperamental and needs to have things his way.

Stephanie is 6 going on 16. I have said many times that I hated the girly shtick and catty behaviour of girls growing up and somehow have raised two of the biggest Diva's I know.

Sarah is 4. She is the cutest 4 year old you will ever meet. She smiles all the time and just like her brother, she must have her way.

Darryl and I have been together for 10 and a half years, married for 6 and a half, and still in love. Marriage to us was just a continuation of what we were doing before the ceremony. We still owned the house and the car and had 2 kids and 2 cats. The only thing that changed was the marriage certificate. OK, OK, more changed, but I don't know if it was because of the ceremony or the fact that our Stephie was 5 weeks old when it happened. So I have required that his family be Darryl's first priority, and that there be no drinking and driving, and that I have a few moments to myself, but I think that those "requests" are quite general and happen in most families- not just because of a marriage ceremony.

I have A.D.D and have since childhood. So if I am sporadic it is partly because of this and partly because there is so much that I want to type.

I have been looking at blogging for over a year now. I have not typed until today because I have not decided what direction this blog should take. Should I complain about my job? The medical system? My issues with the government? My home life? My lack of social life? I donno.

So today after making a comment on another blog, I decided that I don't really care what I blog about, I just have so much I want to say, and here I am going to say it. now the bigger question is am I going to actually let anyone read it??